Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Anyone who likes this film on a serious level should be shot in the knees.

I had the good fortune to be invited to watch this at the IMAX in London and was genuinely excited to my first visit to the new supercinema. Such grand surroundings they proved to be, complete with enjoyment of a couple of mildly intoxicating liquids and solids beforehand safe in the knowledge that what I was about to see would be silly, ridiculous, mind boggling but ultimately jolly good fun. As it was, at the end of the film some people clapped without a hint of irony and I lost what little faith in humanity I had left.

Watching this baffling film was like being stuck in a traffic jam next to major roadworks while being hit in the face repeatedly with kitchen equipment, its offensively bad.

I actually quite liked the first Transformers movie, it was fun and big with exciting explosions and so dumb that you could put it on and blank out for a night and forget about those pills you shouldn't have taken the previous night and the consequences awaiting you. It wasn't offensive, it didn't mock you for watching it, embarrass you for being seen thinking about it or shock you with its opinion of your intelligence. Which is why its not on this website and nothing like its sequel.

In one scene in this movie, our hero's cross between Egypt and Jordan overland, whilst pausing in time I might add, and then casually walk the thousand miles or so to the Pyramids. Now you would have thought that with his love of the US military that Michael Bay would be pretty clued up to Middle East geography but between Egypt and Jordan there is a big lump of Earth that looks green on my Political Atlas Brittanica called Israel, I think Jesus was Knighted there or something, and also a big blue thing called the Red Sea, its great, you can swim in it and everything.

Now I know this is nitpicking, but its a pretty fucking easy thing to get right. Do they not have researchers on these movies? Or does Bay just say 'I don't give a fuck where it is just get me as many historical landmarks you can think of so I can blow them up! We'll just montage it together, none of these fuckers watching know the Pyramids are even real.' And why should we, after all we have to be reminded in one scene that the innocent Egyptian villagers are 'friendlies' before we shoot the crap out of thier kids, which is lucky because I really did think that anyone with dark skin wearing a headscarf was seriously Muhammad Bin Al Queda or whatever the fucker is called. Thank God I've got movies like this reminding me who my friends are.

This is how stupid Michael Bay thinks we are, that when we see a shot of a camera spinning round a robot we have no idea who it is fighting for reasons we've long forgotten, that we will forget about geography, politics and religion and snugly melt to his beat and accept the good robots as our saviors despite the massive collateral damage they have caused by arriving on Earth. This might have worked for a movie that is genuinely endearing, well written and excellently structured in comparison like, I don't know, Godzilla, but in this all we get is a sense of Michael Bay's massive self indulgence which leads me to beleive that he probably has a very small penis.

As I mentioned, I saw this movie at the IMAX and I did feel for a few weeks that I might have been influenced by the sheer size of the screen. I've never had a movie make me feel sick before and the confusion as one CGI robot rolls around with another one probably gives you brain cancer but after watching the DVD on it's release I was quite happy to see that it was still utter, utter garbage that is everything wrong with modern film making and everything right with getting large groups of people together to get drunk, shout at the screen and generally have a good time making fun of something less fortunate than ourselves.

GOOS RATING GGGG
ENTERTAINMENT G

RD

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

Where do I start with the Star Wars saga? A beloved an peaceful race threatened with oblivion by a greedy and power hungry dark force pretty much sums up George Lucas’ meddling with the original trilogy and far be it for me to make comment on a film that has probably been reviewed more times than Tiger Wood’s doggy style, but I will attempt to draw a line under it if only for my own gratification. Firstly though, I will add that I can think of very few films, books, TV shows, Theatrical productions, works of art, board meetings, weddings, arguments or sex mistakes that I would be able to sit, get drunk and then angrily take the piss out of more than this space opera bollocks. Put quite simply, Star Wars Episode 1 is the worst thing on earth, ever.

I am not sure that anyone, anywhere, ever has been more disappointed when watching a film than they were when first reading whatever the opening script at the start of the film is on about. This film is supposed to be for kids, why am I being told about tax hikes, trade disputes and committee meetings? How the hell am I supposed to know what this bullshit is on about George, I'm only ten years old for fuck's sake! .....’MUM! MAKE IT STOP!!!’

The whole concept of this movie is just wrong from the outset. The originals, written at the height of the Cold War with the space race still a joyous memory for America has us all believing in hope and dreams, triumph over adversity. We could see the Nazis in the Empire, the Allies in the Rebels, we all feared the Death Star as the ultimate weapon of mass destruction because it was a reality, we saw our own governments building their own versions to keep other nations from using theirs as Vader does. We were scared, we were thrilled, we believed. The new films however were released to coincide with school holidays and the toy-buying season.

And this is what is fundamentally wrong with this film. The kids who it is obviously aimed for don’t understand why the originals were so good and had probably never even heard of Luke Skywalker or know what a Wookie is, so their attention span is only centered on the bright lights and colorful animals that they want their parents to buy for them at Argos, so that’s what we are given in abundance. Things like plot, character development, story, emotion and basic acting skills were an afterthought, which is why the whole thing is so unbelievably complicated. I kind of got the feeling that the story of this film was secretly written on the bag of cigarette packets where Lucas couldn’t see that people were being creative and then pieced together by the cleaner after whoever was seen as an intellectual by the director was murdered so he could concentrate on making Yoda the right shade of green. The original fans of the series hoping for some long lusted closure on their favorite characters are not given anything to follow, believe in or actually take from the film on any level other than confusion other than being introduced to Jar Jar Binks.

As I don’t understand any part of the story, trying to continue with any form of review seems meaningless. Trade routes in the galaxy suffer from heavy taxation which somehow only cripples the economy of one planet which a senator is using in order to gain political advantage in the senate house of representatives in a power struggle so that he can.. ARGHHH enough.

Here is what is wrong with this movie.

At the start of the film, the Trade Federation has set up a blockade for no reason whatsoever. It may have been explained but I think the reason no one knows what this reason is I have touched in later. Why is the trade federation blocking trade? What’s in it for them? Surely by their very name they want to encourage trade?

How much possible trade do the Naboo get or need on a daily basis for a blockade to be causing its people to ‘die’ after about three days of the blockade, do they have no water on what largely appears to be a vegetation and water planet? Why block trade to such a small insignificant planet unless there is some vital element they must need that we are never told about!?

Another point on the above, there is no timescale in this movie, how long is the queen gone for while her people are suffering. She seems to have enough time to go on holiday to some desert world and cheer on a Pod Race, you’re people are dying bitch!

What is this treaty the queen has to sign to make the blockade legal? Who does it benefit? Why does it matter if it’s legal, what’s in this treaty that makes it legal? Does the Queen say ‘I agreed to block all trade in and out of my country and I am honestly no being made to say this, really, really honest.’ I have no idea what this has to do with anything

Why is Jar Jar Binks in the film

Naboo seems to consist of one small town, a few tourist hotspots and some random wildlife, it’s hardly the centre of the fucking universe, why is the Queen so important, why blockade this totally insignificant planet?

I don’t understand anything that goes on in that big round court voting type building on Coruscant. I do realise that the whole plot is attempted to be explained in the one or two scenes that take place here but none of it makes sense. What are they voting for? Why are they voting on a bill to help the Naboo? Why do the Naboo need help? Why is someone targeting the Naboo? Why do they want to vote in a new chancellor? How is helping the Naboo and attacking them so they need help going to aid Darth Sidius into becoming Chancellor? Why is it that one person brings about a vote of no confidence then all of a sudden loads of weirdos agree with it and start shouting, surely someone else would have mentioned this before if his position was under threat? Dickheads.

Does Naboo not have its own army? The queen seems to have about eight staff with shitty plastic guns yet they have a fucking air force that takes out a droid battle ship. Surely those same fighters could have wiped out the droid army on Naboo itself in about seven or eight seconds and suffered no losses, rather than take on a whole fleet in space and lose most of its pilots.

Why have the trade federation teamed up with Darth Sidius? What’s in it for them after this ridiculously expensive and risky operation?

Why is Darth Sidius interested in Naboo at all, he’s a fucking Sith Lord, if he wants to be voted Supreme Chancellor just use your mind control on the senate, its ok, its called mind control, they wont know you’ve done it! Cunt

Why is Jar Jar Binks in the film?

Why are two Jedi Knights instructed to negotiate with the trade federation? That would be like sending in the SAS to see the purchaser if you were selling a house. If the Jedi were so worried they needed to send in their own then surely two of them against the Sith, was asking for trouble.

What on earth is that bet that Qui Gon makes with that weird Israeli stereotype ship dealer, it’s the most complicated thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Why not just say, if we win, we get the boy and the parts we need, if we lose, you keep the boy and get the ship… why does it take about half the film to explain this?

Another thought on the above. The Jedi actually screw over a lot of people in this movie. The flying blue dude was living an honest life on a planet where slavery was clearly legal and above board, he let his slave have a house and a pod racer and he seems to be a pretty good boss, even letting Anakin go home early one day when business was a bit slow yet Qui Gon completely fucks him over. I know another group of people who landed on foreign shores and start insisting every one follow their rules and the way they are living is wrong and immoral. The fucking Crusades! Or maybe this is Lucas’ nod to the War on Terror. Im sorry, I forgot my miniature American flag George.

Why doesn’t ‘Coruscant’ compute to an inter stellar battle droid, it’s the capital of the whole fucking universe, surely a droid would know what/where it is?

Why does the queen have about 300 different fake queens to protect her but then go into a dangerous spaceport on Tatooine to ‘learn more about the planet’ and then stay there in a strangers’ house for several days and help build an extremely dangerous pod racer? Actually, why does Jar Jar go with them other than to get more screen time and sell more toys? If the queen is being hunted down across the galaxy, why leave her (even though its not actually her – but the Jedi don’t know that somehow) with Obi Wan, who isn’t even a proper Jedi yet. Qui Gon himself says to the Queen ‘Our mission is to protect you.’ Good job mate, leave her alone with a boy, some old robots and some guards who were overcome in about 2 seconds earlier in the film in the most conspicuous space ship in the world in the middle of a desert.

Another point on this, the end credits say that the Queen’s name is Padme Amidala. So her ‘Handmaiden’ called Padme who looks exactly like her should probably not have fooled two Jedi Knights

Why is Jar Jar Binks in the film?

It takes the droid army about 2 days to capture ‘all primitive life’ from Naboo. How effective is this army? I can only assume Naboo is about the size of Ipswich, though as there is no timescale in this film who knows, it could have been years, but Obi Wan does not grow a beard in the film so I can only assume its days.

Who’s the Viceroy? What’s a Viceroy? Why does everyone keep going on about him? Who the fuck is this guy?

What on earth are Medicholorians? So like, Jedi’s have some sort of virus or parasite that makes them powerfull? When was this decided? Master Yoda must be the most diseased cunt in the universe, it’s no wonder he looks like he looks like a massive green tumour in every stupid CGI scene he is in.

So, is Anakin supposed to be Jesus or something? Why was there no father in his birth, what’s that all about? I can only assume is fairly normal in whatever time this is set as its never mentioned again and Qui Gon doesn’t look particularly surprised.

Why don’t they just pay for Anakins mum? The queen must have some jewels or junk in that huge ship of theirs, actually cant they just trade their huge silver royal Nubian cruiser for some basic local ship and get huge money in return, that would mean they don’t have to do any of anything much that happens in the rest of the film and could buy Anakin and his mother quite comfortably.

Why is Jar Jar binks in the film?

Why do the Gungans suddenly agree to help the Naboo when the Queen reveals herself, surely they would be angry at the previous deception? Also what is in it for the Gungans? As Obi Wan says ‘its possible many Gungan lives will be lost.’ No shit Obi, its basically a big line of Gungans to take the entire droid army’s fire for about 8 hours while about 8 humans sneak in behind it to capture the Viceroy, who is he again?

I am sure there are more, I am actually quite angry thinking about this so it might have to be a review I add to progressively to avoid some sort of breakdown. Despite the above though there are few films that I can put on and enjoy hating quite so much as this, its like watching Manchester United lose; watching failure can be fun despite how terrible and offensive it may be. After all, failure leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to GOOS.

GOOS Rating: GGGG

Entertainment: GG

RD

Entrapment

Ok, I will admit right now, I have seen this movie about five or six times as it seems to be on UK Gold every week on slow news days and I still have no idea what is going on for most of the 100 or so minute running time. Is Sean Connery a cop, a thief, an informant?

At first he appears to be a master criminal operating in tranquil solitude from his remote Scottish castle but then Catherine Zeta Jones Douglass or whatever her name is, I'll call her Welshy, appears and the whole thing goes crazy.

From what I understand from watching it, Welshy gets brought in to bring down master thief Connery who then seems to double cross Welshy before she phones up the man from Con Air and does a reverse CIA funded swoop on him, only to reveal that Connery is infect helping either the same or different CIA style people to get at Welshy as she is in actual fact some sort of double agent criminal intent on usurping Connery to get the swag for herself only for them both to fall in love and agree to keep the spoils for themselves before each attempting to pull a fast one and stab the other in the back before one of them, i forget which, im not sure it matters, disappears on a train track leaving the other with some cash which may or may not incriminate them.

The previous statement makes about as much sense as this movie. If either of them is helping the authorities bring the other down then surely the plans of previous heists, evidence of things stolen in the heists around the huge castle Connery has somehow acquired despite having no visible means of income and several plots of new heists would probably be enough evidence to take one of them down and end the film.

I think the writers or at least someone in an initial screening were aware of this glaring confusion and therefore inserted the scene of a cat-suited Welshy leaving little to the imagination in order for us to forget everything that had happened in the movie and wipe the slate clean.

'Wasn't she good a minute ago? This makes no sense…. buuuuuuuuuum.'

'What movie are we watching again?'

'I don't know, I think it just started, looks ok.'

And there you have it, in this respect this is potentially one of the best written pieces of modern cinema, it's effectively two films in one and while neither makes any sense whatsoever, you're unlikely to remember either of them.

GOOS Rating: GGG

Entertainment: GGG

RD