Anyone who likes this film on a serious level should be shot in the knees.
I had the good fortune to be invited to watch this at the IMAX in London and was genuinely excited to my first visit to the new supercinema. Such grand surroundings they proved to be, complete with enjoyment of a couple of mildly intoxicating liquids and solids beforehand safe in the knowledge that what I was about to see would be silly, ridiculous, mind boggling but ultimately jolly good fun. As it was, at the end of the film some people clapped without a hint of irony and I lost what little faith in humanity I had left.
Watching this baffling film was like being stuck in a traffic jam next to major roadworks while being hit in the face repeatedly with kitchen equipment, its offensively bad.
I actually quite liked the first Transformers movie, it was fun and big with exciting explosions and so dumb that you could put it on and blank out for a night and forget about those pills you shouldn't have taken the previous night and the consequences awaiting you. It wasn't offensive, it didn't mock you for watching it, embarrass you for being seen thinking about it or shock you with its opinion of your intelligence. Which is why its not on this website and nothing like its sequel.
In one scene in this movie, our hero's cross between Egypt and Jordan overland, whilst pausing in time I might add, and then casually walk the thousand miles or so to the Pyramids. Now you would have thought that with his love of the US military that Michael Bay would be pretty clued up to Middle East geography but between Egypt and Jordan there is a big lump of Earth that looks green on my Political Atlas Brittanica called Israel, I think Jesus was Knighted there or something, and also a big blue thing called the Red Sea, its great, you can swim in it and everything.
Now I know this is nitpicking, but its a pretty fucking easy thing to get right. Do they not have researchers on these movies? Or does Bay just say 'I don't give a fuck where it is just get me as many historical landmarks you can think of so I can blow them up! We'll just montage it together, none of these fuckers watching know the Pyramids are even real.' And why should we, after all we have to be reminded in one scene that the innocent Egyptian villagers are 'friendlies' before we shoot the crap out of thier kids, which is lucky because I really did think that anyone with dark skin wearing a headscarf was seriously Muhammad Bin Al Queda or whatever the fucker is called. Thank God I've got movies like this reminding me who my friends are.
This is how stupid Michael Bay thinks we are, that when we see a shot of a camera spinning round a robot we have no idea who it is fighting for reasons we've long forgotten, that we will forget about geography, politics and religion and snugly melt to his beat and accept the good robots as our saviors despite the massive collateral damage they have caused by arriving on Earth. This might have worked for a movie that is genuinely endearing, well written and excellently structured in comparison like, I don't know, Godzilla, but in this all we get is a sense of Michael Bay's massive self indulgence which leads me to beleive that he probably has a very small penis.
As I mentioned, I saw this movie at the IMAX and I did feel for a few weeks that I might have been influenced by the sheer size of the screen. I've never had a movie make me feel sick before and the confusion as one CGI robot rolls around with another one probably gives you brain cancer but after watching the DVD on it's release I was quite happy to see that it was still utter, utter garbage that is everything wrong with modern film making and everything right with getting large groups of people together to get drunk, shout at the screen and generally have a good time making fun of something less fortunate than ourselves.
GOOS RATING GGGG
ENTERTAINMENT G
RD
I had the good fortune to be invited to watch this at the IMAX in London and was genuinely excited to my first visit to the new supercinema. Such grand surroundings they proved to be, complete with enjoyment of a couple of mildly intoxicating liquids and solids beforehand safe in the knowledge that what I was about to see would be silly, ridiculous, mind boggling but ultimately jolly good fun. As it was, at the end of the film some people clapped without a hint of irony and I lost what little faith in humanity I had left.
Watching this baffling film was like being stuck in a traffic jam next to major roadworks while being hit in the face repeatedly with kitchen equipment, its offensively bad.
I actually quite liked the first Transformers movie, it was fun and big with exciting explosions and so dumb that you could put it on and blank out for a night and forget about those pills you shouldn't have taken the previous night and the consequences awaiting you. It wasn't offensive, it didn't mock you for watching it, embarrass you for being seen thinking about it or shock you with its opinion of your intelligence. Which is why its not on this website and nothing like its sequel.
In one scene in this movie, our hero's cross between Egypt and Jordan overland, whilst pausing in time I might add, and then casually walk the thousand miles or so to the Pyramids. Now you would have thought that with his love of the US military that Michael Bay would be pretty clued up to Middle East geography but between Egypt and Jordan there is a big lump of Earth that looks green on my Political Atlas Brittanica called Israel, I think Jesus was Knighted there or something, and also a big blue thing called the Red Sea, its great, you can swim in it and everything.
Now I know this is nitpicking, but its a pretty fucking easy thing to get right. Do they not have researchers on these movies? Or does Bay just say 'I don't give a fuck where it is just get me as many historical landmarks you can think of so I can blow them up! We'll just montage it together, none of these fuckers watching know the Pyramids are even real.' And why should we, after all we have to be reminded in one scene that the innocent Egyptian villagers are 'friendlies' before we shoot the crap out of thier kids, which is lucky because I really did think that anyone with dark skin wearing a headscarf was seriously Muhammad Bin Al Queda or whatever the fucker is called. Thank God I've got movies like this reminding me who my friends are.
This is how stupid Michael Bay thinks we are, that when we see a shot of a camera spinning round a robot we have no idea who it is fighting for reasons we've long forgotten, that we will forget about geography, politics and religion and snugly melt to his beat and accept the good robots as our saviors despite the massive collateral damage they have caused by arriving on Earth. This might have worked for a movie that is genuinely endearing, well written and excellently structured in comparison like, I don't know, Godzilla, but in this all we get is a sense of Michael Bay's massive self indulgence which leads me to beleive that he probably has a very small penis.
As I mentioned, I saw this movie at the IMAX and I did feel for a few weeks that I might have been influenced by the sheer size of the screen. I've never had a movie make me feel sick before and the confusion as one CGI robot rolls around with another one probably gives you brain cancer but after watching the DVD on it's release I was quite happy to see that it was still utter, utter garbage that is everything wrong with modern film making and everything right with getting large groups of people together to get drunk, shout at the screen and generally have a good time making fun of something less fortunate than ourselves.
GOOS RATING GGGG
ENTERTAINMENT G
RD
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